A dark past

Everyone can agree on that life is the hardest challenge you will ever face.

Growing up is crucial to chose the way of your own future.

Therefore you need a mentor, a person that guide’s you into the right direction.

Somebody who recognize your strength and weakness.

Well I didn’t had that person.

After the divorce of my parents when I was 14 years old, it seemed like I had to do every decision about my future by myself. I struggled a lot, couldn’t find the right way, my motivation just went down to zero.

Clinging on to the system, to stay where people want you to be. 

Because I was already struggling enough with my appearance. 

The way I look like was apparently a problem for others. 

„You look like shit!“, 

„Your head has a strange form, is that even normal?“, 

„Are you supposed to look like that?“ 

When I looked at myself in the mirror I couldn’t see anything strange. 

I was just a clumsy little boy. 

That school year I spent every break on the toilet reading a book or eating my sandwich.

There weren’t any people that wanted to be around me.

I was reading the Harry Potter books which I’ve already started reading years ago but at that moment I felt more attached to the story. A young boy that got treated like shit until suddenly he got introduced to a magical world where he is the hero. I hoped that everything around me was just a bad dream or that somehow there is a magical world where I could go to.

How people treated me changed my personality. 

Being already shy, I started to get even shier. 

Talking to other people became really hard because I couldn't trust anyone anymore.

Still I was doing club activities (music) for a few years but even there people just looked down on me. At a concert the dirigeant presented every music player to the audience except me.

Even the audience was yelling that he forgot me but he didn’t care. 

I was just a nobody. 

With 16 years I had to do an important decision for my profession. 

Over the years we had a few workshops like wood crafting, doing some electrical wiring or working on metal things. I asked somebody I knew who was already a year ahead into the electrical class. He told me if you liked the electrical workshops, this will do it for you but your grade in math needs to be pretty good. 

So I chose that way without considering any other direction. 

It was the easy way but still a bad decision. 

Again I struggled a lot with motivations. 

Why am I even doing this? 

Where will this lead me to? 

We had a class with 20 people, I think there were 1-2 out of them friendly towards me.

It got better with the next years but still I didn’t know what would become of me in the future. When I reached my diploma, I just did what everyone did and went to university.

After an unsatisfied year I finally took the decision to do something, not wasting my time anymore. So I quit university and took a job as technical drawer at a lighting company.

Soon I started growing because I had found a new passion. 

Opening up to other people who didn’t discredit myself for my appearance felt so fresh and good.

Doing this job really fulfilled me until my mindset changed 6 years later. 

What is my goal in life? 

Who do I want to become? 

Questions over Questions but no right answers. 

I changed my job 3 times in the same profession but something always felt off. 

Nothing felt right anymore and there was nobody telling me what was wrong or which direction I should take.

Again I was on my own. 

Questioning myself what I liked or didn’t like made it clear to me that I wanted to be free to do whatever comes to my mind.

So let the past behind and let's head out to new adventures.